"Normal Life"

I have been writing this blog for 9 months. That blows my mind. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm in Spain or Europe, much less am leaving in a matter of days. I am so conflicted right now, and I'm not sure I'll be able to express it like I want to but I hope writing it out will help.

I am so ready to go home and get back to my "normal life", but I don't want to leave! I don't even know what I'm referring to when I say "normal life" anymore, My normal life for the last 9 months has been this. Speaking, reading, writing, breathing, eating, sleeping Spanish. I have invested so much time and effort and myself into this I'm really having a hard time figuring out how to go back to "normal life".

I think one of the most important things I learned this semester was how to be alone. My dad has always told me I have FOMS- Fear of Missing Something. And it's always been a huge source of anxiety and stress when I'm alone because I think everyone else is having fun without me. I've learned that I just need to make the most of that time because everyone else has things to do during the day, and we'll reconvene later. I actually went out for tapas by myself once, which I must say was pitiful and completely socially unacceptable, but I was so proud of myself! That was a completely foreign concept 7 months ago.

I've also become more convinced of why I believe what I believe. I was honestly worried I'd turn into some crazy hippie socialist who wanted to redistribute all the wealth and would expect the government to support me forever (dramatization) but I'm still the conservative christian kid who likes glitter and pink things. *Sigh of relief* I think I'm more open to other points of view and I'm able to talk about my viewpoint without being pushy or judgmental (and now I can do it in two languages!), but I think I'm better capable to stand up for myself and have a conversation rather than just get angry.

I will say, good byes are the worst thing in the whole world. If we played the Would You Rather game, I would rather... smell an athlete's sweaty stinky gym shoes while walking on fire hot coals with someone slowly pulling off my fingernails and each of the hairs on my head being plucked out one by one while a cat used my stomach as a scratching post and a small child hammered on my temples... than say goodbye ever again. I am so tired of saying goodbye to people I love. It just breaks my heart. And I'm so bad at it! I'm not a pretty crier, I'll be honest, my face gets all red and splotchy and I get really warm and rather than making noise when I cry the tears just leak out. It's pitiful. I've started just avoiding people as a denial stage, but then I feel even worse. And I'm sick of it. So no one can go anywhere. Ever. Sorry but you're stuck with me.

I have laughed, cried, listened, yelled, prayed, run, eaten, drank, slept (a little), danced, walked (a lot), drove (scary!), planned, cried (again), flew, traveled by train, bus, plane, car, and boat, cooked, tasted, planned (again), sun-bathed, written, talked, learned, discovered, explored, swum, prayed (again), planned (then gave up), prayed (let God handle it), procrastinated, joked, missed, and discovered.

Wow. What an adventure this has been. Thank you for following and supporting me through this. I couldn't have done it without all the encouragement.

Feel free to bring American food over and chat! Mostly steak. Or barbecue. Or any form of meat really. Or real breakfast food. Or an American accent full of American-isms. Or tapioca pudding, which I think is the grossest thing in the whole world but am strangely craving. Or real chocolate chips.
Holy moly I miss America!