So Kelsey found this advertisement at school for a Yoga weekend. It would be relaxing and rejuvenating, and perfect right before our vacation to the Canary Islands on Tuesday. So Deanna and I signed up with her.
Saturday morning we wake up at 8 to catch the bus and head into this pueblo just outside Granada. No one is at the bus stop to pick us up as promised. So we call, but they're running late, so we kill some time.
TWO HOURS LATER. This car pulls up and this creepy guy in the back stares at us and makes this weird face like he's going to kidnap us. I looked at the girls and said "I'm not going anywhere if crazy eyes is the guy we've been waiting for".
Crazy eyes is the leader for the weekend.
But he says that we can't ride with him because his car is full, so we wait longer.
Raper van #2 pulls up. I'm not kidding. It's the big, white, offer you candy and take you van, with two guys driving that have the scariest raper mustaches I've ever seen. Here's our ride! They also tell us that we have to make a quick "stop" at a friend's house.
My heart stopped. Not to be a brat, but I'm not getting in that van. I will literally walk back to Granada.
Kelsey starts getting in the van! I think I need new friends.
I literally grab her, pull her out of the van, and told them we'll wait until they do their errands before we go. I'm at least not making a mysterious pit stop with them!
So we wait again. Other people showed up THANK GOODNESS and there were a few women who said they'd done this before and it was great. Sigh of relief. Ok, people have done this and survived.
This guy named Victor ended up driving us, and he was more of the fatherly figure type rather than raper type, so I felt better. We drive up the side of a mountain to a hut. A HUT.
There's about 10 people. And we're supposed to spend the night here. No sleeping bags, no beds, NO CENTRAL HEATING, no nothing. We'll worry about that later.
We start doing the "yoga" part. It's not yoga. We jumped around and danced and sang. We lifted our arms over our heads and moved them in circles. Seriously? I paid 20 Euro for this? For each step there's a different significance I guess. I didn't really follow everything, but I sure picked up during the dancing part, that everyone started taking off some layers. And one woman said "This is the part where we get naked". WHAT. Wait, WHAT?! No one did. But I was ready to just throw myself off the cliff if that happened.
Then we made lunch. They had 2 spoons and 3 forks. For everyone. They all shared utensils with people they didn't even know! If you had seen these people, you would be wondering what kind of contagious diseases they were carrying. Thank goodness we brought sandwiches, because I would have chosen starvation over sharing herpes with them. Fun fact, between all 10 people (excluding us girls) there were probably 20 teeth total. This is what we're dealing with.
The only reason we came was for this advertised "natural sauna". I don't know what I was expecting. But Kelsey said it was this great way to get all the toxins out of your body and stuff. We googled some pictures and it looked cool. I mean, it'd be cool to say I did it once.
So this is what I'm expecting:
I wish I was exaggerating. I was ready to leave once I saw this thing but Kelsey really wanted to try it out so I stuck it out for her.
This guy starts telling us that the purpose of this hut is to find our inner self and connect with mother earth and nature and all this weird stuff. So we start by lighting the fire. Everyone sang to the "fire spirit" to light the fire.
Not happening. I moved as far away as possible and was not having any of this. Up to this point, it'd been weird but not straight up freaky. I'm waaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone. Also, their wood was wet since it'd been raining all day. I don't think even a "fire spirit" can work with wet wood morons. I didn't even need to be a boy scout to know that.
Then they moved on to the rocks we're going to use. They said they were "spirits of the earth meant for this purpose only"... but I'm pretty sure they were just rocks off the side of the road from that rock pile over there. We did a rock blessing ceremony where we had to hold rocks to each direction of the earth while we chanted and a guy blew a conch shell. Again, I just dropped the rock and was super uncomfortable. The guy was talking about the significance of the number 7. Oh my gosh there was so much talking. I think I was offending some people because the lady next to me told me I needed to participate. Not happening.
Time to get in the hut. We brought our swim suits, and a few other people did too but there were a couple that just stripped. Yikes. This is too much.
Let me describe this hut. They piled blankets, tarps, and plastic wrap over this pile of sticks and dug a hole in the middle for the rocks. It had rained all day so the ground was mud, and there's no dry spots. So we're going to be siting in mud. There's 4 "sessions" of putting water on the rocks. Actually, "session" is too fancy for what this was. It was like 4 tortures. 4 buckets worth of torture. I don't even know what to call them. All day they had been cooking this vat of water with rosemary and thyme that they had picked from the "garden"... the side of the mountain, and this was the water they put on the rocks.
We get in the hut, get the rocks in, and they dump the water on. They get the steam going and I think I'm going to die. I'm sitting next to naked lady who is just loving life and I literally think I'm going to die. So I lay down and start clawing for air. Like I'm in straight up survival mode. Do or die. I find a hole and a stream of fresh air and start taking shallow breaths.
After round 1 I tell Kelsey I need to leave. Well she wants to stay for the whole thing. So I start making my hole bigger. More rocks. More water. I'm laying in the mud thinking to myself "Why am I doing this? Why am I voluntarily suffocating myself? Why am I breathing in weeds off the side of the road?".
Round 2. It did get easier. Actually, my hole just got bigger. Kelsey said to me "Try to sit up. At first you feel like you're going to die, but then it gets easier. You just can't take deep breaths."
There was a question everyone had to answer on this round. I think rock man was trying to make sure we were still alive. He asked us to describe our relationship with our father.
So since I had been listening to this spirit mother earth chanting stuff all day, now it's my turn. I had everyone trapped in this little hut with no where to go. So I told my story. I talked about how Jesus died for me and each of them, and how much God loves us, and how my relationship with him has changed and grown in my time in Spain. It wasn't long since I couldn't breathe, but I was able to share with them the comfort I had found in Christ. IT WAS AWESOME. It was one of the most empowering feelings I've ever had. I'm pretty sure I had tears running down my face, but it could have been a mixture of sweat and rosemary/thyme water.
I've been praying for the ability to express myself more in spanish. I mean, I can hold a conversation but I just don't feel like I'm comfortable enough with the language yet. After this, I think I got it. I shared my story in spanish, while suffocating, in the mud, with a bunch of hippies. Yea, I think I'm there.
Round 3. Round 4. After 3 hours of laying in the fetal position and hating my life we get out. FRESH AIR. WE SURVIVED. I heard people screaming outside the tent as we left and I assumed it was from the cold air. Nope. Rock man grabbed a hose and was spraying us off. I couldn't even scream it was so cold. I just gasped like a fish.
Inside we talked about the sauna. Everyone wanted to know how we liked it. I told them "Honestly, after the first bucket I thought I was going to die". Rock man laughed and said, "Yea, after the first bucket I thought you were going to die too." YET YOU LET ME CONTINUE THIS TORTUE?! THANKS A LOT CREEP. They thought that was soooooooo funny.
I realized we now have to spend the night. I've been sweating, laying in the mud, and slowly suffocating for the last 3 hours. There is no way I'm going to sleep here without a sleeping bag or a bed. So I went all stage 5 diva and insisted that someone drive us home. I feel kinda bad, but not really.
We got home. I took a shower to get all the mud and stuff off me and the steam from the shower started making me claustrophobic. I had to open the door of the shower to get through it! This is bad.
But I'm alive. If I don't have a perfect complexion as promised from this thing I'm gonna be even more mad. Kelsey is NEVER making the plans again. EVER.
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